1989 the year we got married, the following year we bought our house, and the year after that we had our first kid, and three more after that in 1994, 2000, and 2005. That is 32 years, and within those years, we have watched 3 highschool graduations, 3 kids leave for college, a wedding, a pandemic, lots of bumps and bruises, a million and one sporting events and still going, 2 million band concerts and marching festivals, also still going, dances, PTA meetings, drivers test, birthday parties, sleepovers, family lake weekends, camping, last minute road trips, amazing holiday celebrations, snow days, swimming parties, I could go on and on and I would do anything to do it all over again!
I DO NOT want to do it all over again because I have regrets,That is the opposite of why, I ABSOLUTELY LOVED every single moment of it, the good and the bad. YES! there were some really bad moments, but those moments defined who I am now and taught me to accept who each of my kids are as individuals. I have regrets for sure, I assume we all do as parents, I am not ashamed of myself, I just wish that I would have made better choices on occassion. But those moments helped me to grow and improve as my kids got older.
When Jake was born, he was the most beautiful little boy. People use to stop me and tell me how adorable he was and to never cut that beautiful blond curly hair. You could not get me to admit that anything about that boy was hard or wrong. I claimed perfection every step of the way. I dressed him in the finest of clothes, changed him 2 or 3 times a day and documented every single breath. As Jake got older he proved to be very smart, gifted really, but did not fit as well in mainstream classroom structures, yet I pushed him to comply which ultimately worked against me at times. There was a defining moment for me as a mom when I realized it did not benefit me to stand amongst a group of moms and brag or compare, while each of us stood around in the pick up line at school, guess what my boy did today, or he did that today. I wasn't learning anything, I was just worried because I always wanted to be able to share the good, the successes. I alway dressed Jake in the most preppy,Gap style clothing and as he got older he gravitated to rock and roll t-shirts and holey blue jeans. For me this was not acceptable. I lived among families who had perfectly clean cut kids with shaved short hair and that is what I thought was expected, what described perfect. I was strict with Jake, I called and checked on him constantly, I still do if the truth were told, and I never let him just flourish and fly. The time came that I agreed to let him venture off at a local festival we have close to home with the intent that he would check in with me after a few hours. The moment came for him to meet me and the second he walked up I was visiting with a neighbor who I was so afraid of being judged by. Here comes Jake with his group of friends, all dressed in attire I deemed inappropriate and I could not hold in the tears for fear of being judged for the kind of mom I was, and how could I let my kid look like that. I immediately turned and walked to my car and felt immediate shame. The reason I share this story is because I feel more shame now that I allowed myself to be so influenced by what other people might think. Without ANY hesitation, those kids were the absolute kindest, most respectful group of kids I have ever met. They never missed a please or thank you, and always appreciated having our home to gather in. On the opposite end of that equation, the many cheerleaders, nothing against all cheerleaders, just a mere observation many years ago, and other gatherings we had in our home over those years left trash, pop bottles and a disheveled house I spent the next few days recovering from. They were actually great kids as well, I was just always struck by their differences. All from a group of kids that I labeled the appropriate crowd. From that moment on, I made my mind up to be accepting of each kid, no matter the circumstance, their background, how they dress, who they hang out with. It did not by any means happen over night, and I still find myself to this day judgemental on occassion, probably more than I would like to admit. I think we would all be lying if we said we never judged. With that being said, I find today, we are sometimes worse as adults and how we compare ourselves, who we see as the it crowd, who we choose to be to fit in. It never really changes.
There are so many seasons in life,I just can't seem to wrap my head around everyone growing up and moving on. We will always be a family, always have tons of family time, but there is such a transition you go through as a mom, when your kids don't need you the same way they did. My identity is in questions right now, I have spent the last 30 years being a mom, granted, I have worked full time, but my main identity is that of mom. Now I'm not sure what my role is. I am everyday searching for what that next season of life will be for me. The real problem for me is I have spent so much time caring for everyone under my roof I have not nurtured relationships with people outside of my roof. I thumb through social media and see all these people taking trips with 10 of their best girlfriends. I would find it hard to drum up 3 people to call let alone vacation with. See what I mean, always comparing, it seems impossible to not put yourself in someone elses shoes, but I am working and trying to find my place, my new me. Yes!! I have been smacked up the side of my head this past year, but as I said before, still standing, still searching, still learning who I am, where I belong moving forward and what the new season of me will hold! The one thing I know for sure is that learning to be honest with myself and what I am capable of and what I am not has served me well. I still lack a great deal of confidence, but the older I get the more I realize it is no one elses problem except mine, no one elses businesses but mine to judge how I choose to take care of me or my family as long as it works for me. I would love to hear from you and what works for you and your family. I would love to hear your stories, your successes, even your failures, those are the moments we grow, we learn who we really are, what we can really handle and for me I have learned I can handle a ton of shit and still keep going and so can you, just keep your head up, keep looking forward, because looking back benefits no one. You absolutely cannot change the past, BELIEVE ME, I have tried, it aint happening! but you can for sure not make the same mistakes twice, and if you do, which I've done that too, remember the sun will rise again tomorrow. You can listen, take advice and learn from others, but NO ONE has any right to take away your happiness, you and you alone can make all the difference in the world if you just believe you can. That sounds quite sappy, and I wish I was following along with all this motivation I'm dishing out, but the truth is, it is NOT easy, it's not going to happen over night, but never stop trying! I'm not going to, and I sure as hell hope I find all the answers before my time on this earth is done, but if I dont just Don't get smacked up side of the head!!!!! Keep your eyes open!!!! Lord knows I am trying, it might not be going as smoothly as I would like but I am giving it my best.
As a update on my first born. Jake is the kindest, most free spirited, least judgemental person I believe I have ever met. Those first born run you through the ringer, they are the ones that give you the first moments of everything as parents. Teach us what we did right and what we need to adjust moving forward, they are the pioneers of who we become as parents. Damn, thats profound!!! I would say when it comes to learning to be accepting of people, Jake teaches me over and over again. He works hard, is an amazing musician, and has a heart for everyone he meets. He does not know a stranger and would do anything if he knew he would make you happy. There is not another person as well on the face of this earth I would rather be stranded with. He is capable of fixing anything, I wish I could take credit for this but I'm going to have to give this to his dad, his grandpa Arnie and scouts. He could keep us alive I am sure stranded on a deserted island for days. I am so proud of the young man he is becomming, he too has had a few bumps in the road which I am sure if asked he would fully acknowledge, but those too have brought him to where he is today and I would also imagine he would tell you while he might wish he would have made better choices from time to time, he would still not change a thing. I love you Jake and wish so much all the time I had your guts, your ability to go out and do what you love without any fear of being judged but for the pure joy and doing what you love.
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